14 weeks

As the summer winds down, so too does my first trimester.  While I’ve had a couple waves of nausea over the last week, the pregnancy symptoms of the first trimester definitely seem to be on the way out.  My boobs, while still full and veiny, are much less sensitive.  Only the fatigue continues to hang around.  But if my first pregnancy is any indication, I’m not one  of those women who get that “burst of energy” you hear about in the second trimester.

So, now that I’m officially out of the first trimester, I think I’ll stop tracking the weekly symptoms and instead, going forward, I’ll just write more generally about what I’m feeling/experiencing/wearing etc. each week.

My belly bump is starting to make itself more obvious – and not just at the end of the day anymore.  I’m still wearing my regular clothes, but luckily it’s still warm out so I can get away with summer dresses.  I can’t squeeze myself into my skirts or pants with tight waistbands or zippers anymore.

Emotionally, I’ve been doing a pretty decent job of not freaking out this week.  14 weeks 1 day is when I found out about my missed miscarriage last time.  That fact is in the back of my mind at all times but so far I haven’t had any major feelings that something is wrong with this pregnancy.  I know I’ll be nervous for my appointment next week, but I’m going to try my best to enjoy the final long weekend of the summer between now and then.

Feeling and telling

I’ve been feeling a bit emotionally unsettled these past few days.  I know it’s mainly due to the fact that, at this point in my last pregnancy, my baby had already passed away and I didn’t know it yet.  Couple that with the fact that I have to wait another week and a half for my next OB appointment and I become a total basket case.

In the middle of the night last night, as I was lying semi-awake after Littleman awoke screaming, I thought I maybe felt Bo move.  It was just a couple little blips, and almost like a woosh/wave inside me.  But then, when I woke up this morning, I wondered if it was real or if I imagined it.  Or dreamed it.  My sleep was disrupted and I remember having pregnancy-related dreams, so maybe what I thought I felt was actually just part of a dream.

I think I was about 16 weeks pregnant with Littleman the first time I felt him move.  I’m only about two weeks away from that now, so I suppose it’s possible that I felt Bo.  Of course, I’m also well aware that it could have been gas or some other sort of intestinal/digestive business.  I wish I knew for sure.  I think (no, I know) that feeling my baby move would help lessen my stress and fear right now.

So, I’m kind of feeling like my mind is bouncing all over the place.

On top of all that is the fact that we haven’t started telling people our news yet.  A couple of people know (my immediate family, my boss, a friend of D’s, my best friend…) but we haven’t shared the news widely.  My colleagues don’t know, D’s family doesn’t know, our neighbours don’t know…

And, while I know people are going to find out at some point, I just can’t figure out when I’m going to feel ready to share the news.  I’ve told D that I’d like to wait until after my next appointment (I’ll be 15 weeks at the time), but even then, will I be ready?

My sister, on the other hand, (who is only a couple of days ahead of me) has already told everyone about her pregnancy.  She even announced it to her work colleagues before her 12 week ultrasound.  She’s told all her friends and our family.  I know it’s different for her, having not experienced a miscarriage.

For anyone who has suffered a pregnancy loss, how/when did you feel comfortable sharing the news of a subsequent pregnancy?  Rationally, I know that if I was to lose the baby at this stage, most of our close friends/family/colleagues would learn of it and support us as they did last time.  But the act of having to retract our pregnancy announcement was a tough blow and I’m not sure I have the strength to do it again.  I think my approach this time will be to tell people as I need to, rather than proactively calling or emailing them with our news.  We’ll see how that goes.

S#*t means poo

Last night, D, Littleman and I were sitting at the table finishing up our dinner.  Littleman had been chattering away as D and I talked about something (I have no recollection of what).  All of a sudden, this happened:

Littleman: Shit!
D: Pardon, buddy?
L: Shit.
D (glancing at me): What did you say?
L: Shit means poo!

At this point, I excused myself from the table, grabbed a tissue and proceed to pretend I was blowing my nose so that Littleman wouldn’t see my laughter.  D did an amazing job of holding himself together long enough to change the subject and distract Littleman with something else.

Where the hell did he learn that?  It must be from some kid at daycare because – even if we’ve accidentally let the word slip around him (which I’m certain that we have) – there is no way we’ve ever explained to him what it means.

I knew that the day would eventually come that we would have to address swear words with Littleman but I was not expecting it to come so soon.  I guess I need to do some studying about how to properly handle this sort of thing.  He seemed to forget about it quickly but I’m sure that wasn’t the last time we’ll hear the word.

And speaking of crazy shit, someone gave me a seat on the subway yesterday.  Yep, a stranger officially  noticed my belly and let me sit down.  Guess it’s almost time to admit this pregnancy out loud.

13 weeks

I’ve definitely been experiencing a bit of anxiety this week, knowing that this is when my last baby stopped growing.  It doesn’t help that my nausea has majorly decreased.  Luckily (I can’t believe I think this is lucky!) I’ve been really busy at work so haven’t had too much time to dwell on my nervousness.

One thing I just realized about this pregnancy (as opposed to my pregnancy with Littleman) is that my hair is still coming out.  When I got pregnant the first time, I stopped shedding pretty much immediately.  My hair was nice and full.  D loved it because I wasn’t leaving piles of hair all over the place whenever I’d blow dry my hair.  This time, my hair has continued to fall out, as usual.  I’ve also noticed that my leg hair is growing less.  My nails are growing super fast, so I kind of thought my hair would too.  Hmm.

Other than that, things are just chugging along.  I still have two more weeks until my next appointment, so I’m sure there will be plenty of moments of stress and fear between now and then. 

Nausea: Pretty much gone.  Just the odd moment of it here and there.

Vomiting: None to date.

Food cravings or aversions: Totally digging lemonade right now.  Have gone through two big jugs of it.  The sourness is amazing.

Aches and Pains: Minor boob pain off and on. 

Fatigue:  This is one symptom that isn’t going away.  The evenings are so tough.  Littleman has lots of energy and it’s so hard to pull myself off the couch to push around trucks or hide from the monsters of play outside.  I’m going to bed as early as possible these days.

Other:  I’m definitely getting wider in the belly region.  At my appointment last week, I had actually lost weight, even though I definitely look bigger.  I’m still hesitant to tell anyone the news of this pregnancy but at some point my belly is going to do the telling for me!

Fears

As I lay on the couch last night, totally exhausted, I realized that I had been through a lot more than I gave myself credit for yesterday.

You see, I’ve come to fear ultrasounds.  Actually, I’m downright terrified of them.

During my first pregnancy (Littleman) I had many, many ultrasounds due to his heart arrhythmia.  Aside from the first scary diagnosis of it, I never really worried that much about the ultrasounds.  I’d just hop up on the table, let the tech do their thing, take a quick peek at my kid and then hit the road.

But after that horrible day in March when an ultrasound revealed that my second baby had stopped growing, my whole attitude shifted.  No longer is an ultrasound an exciting opportunity to see my sweet baby.  Now, that machine is source of complete and utter terror.

Anyway, back to yesterday.  I didn’t really have a chance to get nervous about my ultrasound because I didn’t even know I was having one until after I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler.  This definitely helped ease my anxiety.  And, because it all happened so fast, it wasn’t until after the ultrasound was finished that I had the chance to process the fact that this was my first time back to that place since the day I found out about my miscarriage.  In fact, my mom and I sat in almost the exact same place in the waiting room as we were on that horrible day almost five months ago.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with this baby, I’ve been scared to go back to there.  I didn’t want to sit in those chairs and wait to be seen.  I didn’t want to lie on that table and watch the tech’s face as they placed the wand on my belly.  And, obviously, I don’t ever, EVER want to hear the horrible news that my baby has passed away.  I thought and worried and stressed a lot about the day that I would have to return to that part of the hospital, knowing that I would be an emotional wreck.

The next few weeks are a big hurdle for me to clear and, given where I am in this pregnancy, I’m sure the next ultrasound will be incredibly scary too.  However, if I’m going to make it through the next six months, I’m going to have to try my best to conquer my fears.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop being scared of ultrasounds.  I think the innocence I had during my first pregnancy is gone forever.  But I do feel pleased that I made it through yesterday unscathed and am determined to do my best to stay strong over the next few weeks.

Checking in on Baby Bo

So, big day today.  I survived my 12 week OB appointment and had a surprise NT scan!

I woke up this morning feeling pretty nervous for my appointment.  D had to work so I asked my mom to come with me.  After what we’ve been through in the past, it feels much better having another person there with me.

Dr. P works at a teaching hospital, so a student doctor met with me first.  She was really sweet and did all the background and initial questions.  After the paperwork stuff was out of the way, she had me hop up on the table to feel my uterus.  After that, she pulled out the Doppler to check for the heartbeat.  I’m pretty sure my own heart stopped beating as I was waiting for her to find it.  Luckily, it didn’t take long before that beautiful sound filled the room at 166 bpm!

After checking my blood pressure and weight, Dr. P came in to see me.  I told him that I was having some more vaginal and bum itching (yep, gross) kind of similar to earlier in my pregnancy when I was diagnosed with a yeast infection.  He took a quick look and said he doesn’t think it’s yeast, but rather a skin irritation.  He said it’s nothing serious and prescribed a hydrocortisone cream that is safe for use in pregnancy.  I should feel relief in 48 hours.  Thank goodness!

Dr. P said he knows that these will be a tough couple of weeks for me to get through, given what happened last time, so instead of waiting four weeks for next appointment, he would see me in two.  I feel so lucky to have such a kind and compassionate doctor!  Unfortunately, for scheduling reasons, the appointment ends up being in three weeks instead of two.  Oh well, better than waiting four weeks!

After that, we talked about the NT scan and we both agreed that I would move forward with it.  Apparently, there were a lot of cancellations in the ultrasound department for the Women and Babies program today, so they were able to squeeze me in.  It was a bit disappointing that D wasn’t with me, but at least he had seen the baby during the ultrasound in the ER a few weeks ago.

My mom, on the other hand, was absolutely thrilled to be there.  I asked her to come in the ultrasound room with me so she could see.  The tech we had was really great and talked us through the whole thing.  After hearing my history, he was quick to point out where he thinks they saw the subchorionic bleed and said he wasn’t concerned about it at all.  He took all the important measurements and gave me a pic of our little Bo.

After the ultrasound, I was sent off for the bloodwork.  I’ll have to wait for the official results, but all the measurements from the scan fall within the normal range, which is definitely a relief.

In other news, my sister is having her NT scan right now, as I type this.  I still find it kind of crazy that we’re going through all this at almost the exact same time.

Anyway, I’m feeling pretty exhausted now after a long morning at the hospital, but I’m definitely feeling relieved for now.  Getting through these next couple of weeks will be emotionally challenging but I’m hoping I can ride on this good news for a while.

 

12 weeks

With my first two pregnancies, reaching 12 weeks felt like such a big milestone.  It just doesn’t feel the same this time around.  Knowing that my last baby passed away around 12w5d (and after looking perfect on the NT scan) I feel like these next couple of weeks are going to be nerve-wracking. 

To be honest, my nerves have been getting the best of me for the past week.  My nausea has definitely subsided quite a bit, although it’s not completely gone (which, I admit, is a relief).  My first OB appointment is tomorrow and I’m definitely having some anxiety about that.  I’ve already spoken to Dr. P a couple of times during this pregnancy due to the early infections and the subchorionic bleed, but this will be the first time I see him.  His office hasn’t given me my ultrasound appointment yet, but I expect it will be sometime in this next week as well.  Since I don’t have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, I sure hope Dr. P can find the heartbeat with the Doppler.  I really need that reassurance right now.

Symptoms are starting to lessen in general.  It seems like the worst was from 8-11 weeks and things have gotten a bit better since then.  I hope that’s not a bad sign…

Nausea: Some days I have none at all.  When it does show up, it’s back to the evenings only, rather than all day.

Vomiting: None to date.

Food cravings or aversions: I’ve found this incredibly delicious kale smoothie that I buy from a juice bar near the office.  It’s SO good.  I’ve had it two days in a row and I want another one RIGHT NOW.  I suppose that’s better than wanting a poutine everyday. But don’t get me wrong, I could totally eat a poutine right now too.

Aches and Pains: Boob pain is off and on.  Lower back has been a bit sore at the end of the day (could be a symptom of returning to work after vacation, rather than a pregnancy symptom!)

Fatigue:  Littleman finally slept through the night last night after a couple weeks of nightly waking.  I still get hit with extreme tiredness in the mid-afternoon and feel pretty lousy by the time I get home from work.  I’m trying to go to bed as early as possible but it doesn’t seem to help very much.

Other:  My stomach is still a bit of a disaster.  I miss my good old regular poos.  (Sorry, but it’s true!)  I’m usually either cramping due to being all bunged up or having loose stools.  Nothing in between.  I’m also starting to get “thicker” around the middle.  This morning, I had try three skirts before I found one that I could zip up.

Summer vacation

I’m back at work today after a nice, 10-day vacation.  We were so lucky to have a good break but, man, is it ever hard to get back into the swing of things!

We spent our time off at the farm, which was really great.  For the first half (which included the long weekend) we were there with my family.  This is when we got the news of my sister’s pregnancy.  Then, my best friend came for a visit with her sister and her sister’s 8-month-old son.  It was great to see them, but Littleman was definitely showing some jealousy towards the baby.  There was a lot of: “that’s my mommy!”  We’ll have to work on that…

By mid-week, we were on our own, which was really nice.  D took a break from doing farm chores so that we could relax and spend time together as a family.  The weather was a bit on the chillier side, but we managed to squeeze in some swimming in our new pool.

Just kicking around!

 The big “toy” of the summer is the new John Deere Gator that my dad just bought.  D and my dad had been talking about it for a while and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what the big deal was.  Now that we have it, though, it’s pretty awesome.  We can zip around the farm and it’s way more fun than I expected. 

Littleman and his Gator

We spent some time by the creek, looking for frogs and went on an impromptu hike through the woods.

Wandering the trails…

 

…and coming out into the fields

The garden we planted in the spring is slowly coming along and we finally got to enjoy some of our “crops.”  I was able to pick a few cherry tomatoes and an English cucumber.  Yum!  D’s pumpkin patch hasn’t been very successful and we struggled with a few other vegetables as well, but it was nice to see some stuff finally ripening.

I spent a few days feeling pretty crummy with headaches and nausea, which kind of sucked.  But then I had a couple of days where I wasn’t really nauseous at all, which sucked even more.  As it turns out, I’m terrified of not feeling sick.  Logically, I know that I’m reaching the point in my pregnancy where my symptoms may start to get a bit better.  But knowing that is not reassuring to me at all.  Even as I write this, I hope that I start feeling shitty soon.  Argh.

Anyway, all in all, it was a nice vacation and great to have some time away with my boys.

11 weeks

I missed my 11 week symptom check-in yesterday because I was feeling like total crap all day.  We’re on vacation this week, which means I can get more rest and don’t have to pretend I feel good for the sake of my work colleagues.  Unfortunately, I feel pretty shitty most days so haven’t been able to totally enjoy being on holidays.

For the past few days, I’ve been reeling from the news of my sister’s pregnancy.  I think it’s finally starting to sink in.  I’m hoping that the next couple of weeks go by quickly and that I’ll feel a little more relaxed (and able to process everything) once I’m into the second trimester.

Symptoms-wise, things haven’t really changed much this week…

Nausea:  The nausea has been pretty intense this week.  It will hit me at any time of the day, so I can never really plan accordingly.  Some mornings are ok, others are pretty bad.  I feel pretty consistently bad every evening though.

Vomiting: None to date.

Food cravings or aversions: I was dying for this cream cheese/jalapeno dip that my sister makes.  She brought it to the farm on the long weekend and I gobbled it up.  I made another batch for our friends who came to visit.  Soooo good! 

Aches and Pains: I still have randomly sore boobs.  Last night the left one was throbbing, but sometimes they feel relatively normal.  I’ve had a headache for the past two days, which is major pain (no pun intended!)  Tylenol is useless, so I’m just getting used to dealing with the pain.

Fatigue: Still really brutal.  We had a rough week of Littleman being up in the night every couple of hours.  Luckily, being on vacation means I can nap during the day.  I feel exhausted pretty much all the time, whether I nap or not. 

Other:  My stomach/bowel issues seem to be getting better and I’ve definitely been more “regular”.  I’ve started to notice that I’m getting quite bloated these days – especially by later in the day.

A kind of crazy coincidence

So, this long weekend brought with it a pretty major revelation.  But, let me back up a little bit first…

My sister and her husband live in another city so we don’t see them very often.  This long weekend, they decided to come to the farm to spend time with us and our parents.  Since we would all be spending the whole weekend together, D and I decided to tell my sister and brother-in-law about the pregnancy.

We haven’t been telling other people – and we plan on waiting a while until we do – but my parents know and I didn’t want to spend a whole weekend trying “fake it” with my sister.  It’s hard to act normal when I feel like shit and am totally exhausted.  Along with the fact that I can’t lift Littleman and I’m not drinking, trying to hide the pregnancy becomes a bit ridiculous.

So, in preparation for the weekend, I called my sister to tell her the news.  Her reaction was a bit underwhelming.  But sometimes she just like that, so I didn’t let it bother me.  I also think that people aren’t totally sure how to react after our loss.  I mean, I know my parents are excited but, like us, don’t want to get too excited in case something goes wrong.

Anyway, we headed up to the farm on Friday morning.  When we got here, there was a bit of situation with one of the horses that stays on our property, so the day was spent with a bunch of strangers here.  (I’ll save the horse story for another post).

With such a busy day, we didn’t get to really hang out as a family.  We all ate lunch separately and spent most of the day rushing around and helping people out however we could.  By the time things quieted down, we decided it was time for some appetizers.  As we were putting together some dips and crackers, my sister and her husband disappeared for a minute.  When they came back into the kitchen, they were carrying a tray of cupcakes.  Huh?  It’s not dessert time yet.

My sister set down the tray and we all leaned in for a closer look.  Written on the cupcakes was “Baby” and “Due February”.  WHAT?  After a moment’s pause, we all realized that they weren’t referring to me.  My sister is pregnant!!!

She said the reason for her less-than-enthusiastic reaction to my news is that she was so shocked.  No effing kidding.  I almost fell over when she told us.

Our due dates are 5 days apart.  If all goes as planned, Bo will have a cousin the exact same age.

It’s now two days later and I’m still having mixed feelings about it.  Obviously, I’m thrilled for my sister.  I know she wanted kids and I don’t think she’s been trying for too long, so all of this is great for her.  And, I’m very glad that I’m pregnant too.  I definitely know that the news would be a whole lot harder to take if I wasn’t.  (You may recall my fear of her getting pregnant a few months ago).

I’m still scared, though.  I had been doing very well this week with the whole “staying positive” thing, but this announcement has freaked me out a bit.  What if something goes wrong with this pregnancy?  I’ll have a constant reminder of exactly how far along I should be or how old my baby should be forever and ever.

I know I shouldn’t think like that, so I’m trying to let it all out here and now.  After this, I will try to shake it off and go back to my positive place.

Because, when I really look at it, this crazy coincidence of cousins is a pretty amazing thing.