Jealous of what I already have?

More and more often these days, I find myself thinking about having another baby. Wouldn’t it be amazing?, I think. Then I remember how little our house is. And how often I’m alone with my kids while my husband works nights or weekends. And, the real kicker, how expensive childcare is.

I know you’re probably thinking, you’ve said this all before. What’s changed?

On the one hand, nothing has changed. If we could afford a bigger house in our neighbourhood and childcare expenses, then, yes, we may be more seriously considering a third child.

On the other hand, I’m so super lucky to have what I always wanted: two amazing kids.

I just found out that one my friends (who is also my next door neighbour) is pregnant with her second baby. Her first is just a few weeks older than Bo. When she first told me (last night, by text) I felt the familiar kick-in-the-gut stab of jealousy. What?  Why do I feel this way?  She’s getting exactly what I already have and, yet, I’m feeling jealous of her?

I saw a girl at work yesterday who is due to give birth to her first baby later this month. She is huge and feels uncomfortable. And I was jealous.

My husband showed me a picture of his buddy’s brand new daughter last night. She was still a little bloody, and naked, and perfect. And I was jealous.

After a semi-decent night’s sleep and a chance to reflect on all of yesterday’s baby-related revelations (we won’t even discuss Kim and Kanye), I’m starting to wonder if what I’m really jealous of is the fact that these people are just starting their family building journeys. They still have all the craziness and unknowns and excitement of pregnancy/childbirth/life with a newborn ahead of them.  Is that it?  Perhaps.

I have to remind myself that I hated trying to get pregnant and I didn’t really enjoy pregnancy. But seeing two pink lines on that test (ok, who am kidding, those 20 tests!) is so freaking amazing.

And actual labour and childbirth was not my favourite (nor was recovery) but those sweet new babies are the best.

Plus, there is that wonderful year of maternity leave.  There was nothing better than having a year at home to focus on my family and spending time with my sweet baby.  But that also means returning to work, which has been significantly harder the second time around and I imagine would bet even tougher if I had to do it again.

I know that it’s time for me to start focusing on the next stage of life – helping my babies grow into successful people.  It appears that it just may take me a while to come to terms with the fact that our family is complete.  In the meantime, I will do my best to smile and wish my friends well as they continue to grow their own families.

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Preventative measures

About five-and-a-half years ago, I tossed out my birth control pills as we prepared to begin trying to start a family.  It took longer than expected to conceive our first son and, knowing that it could take a while again, I didn’t go back on birth control between pregnancies.  After a miscarriage and then another successful pregnancy, we are pretty certain that our family is now complete.

At my eight-weeks-postpartum check-up (way back in May!), my OB asked me what my birth control plans were.  He went through all the options and recommended Mirena (an intrauterine system).  I accepted the prescription from him, figuring I’d think about and talk to my husband and then make the appointment to get it inserted.

Then I procrastinated.

It feels weird.  After all these years of thinking about having babies, planning for babies, trying for babies, being pregnant with babies, losing a baby, birthing babies and nursing babies, it feels really, really weird to be focusing on not having babies.

While we don’t intend to have any more children, I still don’t feel 100% ready to make a permanent commitment to being finished.  D is a little more certain (OK, a lot more certain).  We both agree, though, that having another child just doesn’t make sense for us financially.  Daycare is expensive.  Our house is too small.  If we were to win the lottery, then, sure, we’d likely have a larger family.  But, given our current situation, our family of four is just right.

So, that leaves us needing birth control.  I’m still breastfeeding and my period hasn’t returned, although I know that doesn’t mean I can’t get pregnant.  We’ve been using condoms since Bo was born, but that’s not our favourite solution.  I really don’t want to go on the pill again, after being off it for so long.  Plus, after two kids, my memory isn’t what it used to be.  I don’t love the idea of having to remember to take it everyday (something I was excellent at before having kids!)

I had coffee with a friend this week who is having her second baby by a scheduled c-section a few days from now.  She’s trying to decide if she should get her tubes tied at the same time.  That wasn’t an option for me, having a vaginal delivery, but it made me wonder what I would have chosen to do if I was in her situation.

We’ve talked about D having a vasectomy and it is something we’ll probably look at more seriously in the future but, for now, I bit the bullet and called the OB.  I scheduled an appointment to have the Mirena inserted.  I have an appointment for January.  When the receptionist was booking the appointment, she told me that I’ll need to take a pregnancy test the morning of my appointment to ensure I’m not pregnant.  Just the thought of that makes me feel strange.  I’ve never taken a pregnancy test hoping it would be negative.

For many reasons, I know that I’ll need that test to be negative. But, I also know that a little part of me will feel disappointed to see only one line.

 

A year ago

A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Puppet, our Baby #2. After trying to conceive for eight months, I promised myself I wouldn’t test until I was late, but we were about to head to the farm for the weekend and I really couldn’t wait any longer. I snuck upstairs and took a cheap internet strip test. The second line was super faint – a real squinter – but there was definitely something there!

On the way home from the farm, I made D stop so we could buy a FRER and a digital. Both positive. Woohoo!

I guess we never really expected that anything would go wrong after that. Right away, D asked me if I thought September would be a good time to have a baby. (Littleman is a January babe). We imagined what the summer would be like (me very pregnant, enjoying the new pool at the farm) and even stopped to check out some options for new, bigger cars (we finally bought one last month).

A year ago today, I never guessed I would be sitting here, at the farm, without that baby. I guess I’m still working on moving on from the loss. I can feel Baby Bo moving around inside me as I write this and it brings me so much joy. But I can’t help missing what may have been today.

An interesting turn of events

After writing about my questionable spotting at 8 dpo, I had one more day of on-and-off spotting and then it was gone.

In the interest of full disclosure here, I broke down and tested on Friday after work.  This was two days after the spotting began so I thought maybe, just maybe, there was a chance.  With my last pregnancy, I tested positive two days after my spotting.  Not this time.   It was, as expected (and feared), a BFN.  I was only 9 dpo, so I know it was silly to even try testing.  Except for in the very early months of trying to conceive baby #1, I never test that early.  In fact, most months I don’t bother to test at all.  But somehow I have this huge pile of internet tests in my drawer.  I totally don’t remember ordering that many and am convinced they mixed up my order and sent me extra HPTs instead of OPKs.

Anyway, the weekend was busy and kept me reasonably distracted.  We drove to the farm on Friday night (complete with Littleman getting carsick in the back of my parent’s car…so gross!) and then my aunts and uncles visited us there for a night.  D took the weekend off from doing chores at the farm so we got to spend some nice time together.  We visited a friend’s farm so Littleman could see the cows and sheep.  We stopped at a chip truck for a hot dog.  All in all, it was a fun weekend.  

hot dog

Chowing down!

On Sunday afternoon, I started to get suspicious that my usual pre-period spotting hadn’t started yet.  I was 11 dpo.  I tried to resist the urge to test again, but with that stupid pile of tests just sitting there and it being Father’s Day, I ended up going for it.  I mean, wouldn’t a BFP be a great Father’s Day gift?  Immediately after I dipped the test stick, I started kicking myself for putting myself through the torture of another negative test.  But then, right around the five-minute mark, I saw this:

11 dpo

11 dpo

Do you see it?  I barely did and thought that perhaps I was making things up.  So, rather than showing D (who I knew wouldn’t believe it because it was so faint) I did what any crazy, stressed-out, trying-to-conceive woman would do.  I posted it on canyouseealine.com for a bunch of crazy, stressed-out, trying-to-conceive strangers to judge.

I decided to keep this possible positive to myself until I had more firm confirmation.  I woke up yesterday morning (12 dpo) and tried again with the internet tests.  Twice (yep, I’m crazy like that).  Still pretty faint and didn’t show up until five minutes or so, but I was pretty sure I could see something:

12 dpo

12 dpo

I decided it was time to bring out the serious equipment, so I hit up the drug store for some (nauseatingly expensive) FRERs and a Clear Blue Digital.   I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait until morning, so I faked it by not drinking or peeing all afternoon.  I snuck into the bathroom as soon as I got home, while D was busy washing some windows.  I took one of the FRERs and got this:

12 dpo

12 dpo

Woohoo, this is real!  Holy shit, this is real.  I told D that I had forgotten to give him one of his Father’s Day presents and handed him the test.  He broke into huge grin and said, “First try?  Really?”  I’m pretty sure he was as shocked as I was.

So here we are.  Am I excited?  Not sure yet.  I want to be.  Am I nervous?  Definitely.  D and I talked a bit about it last night and I think we both feel the same way.  We’re obviously happy and hopeful but we know now that things can go wrong.  I guess you could say we’ve lost our innocence. 

I’ve left a message for Dr. P’s office and we’ll see what he has to say about next steps.  I’m definitely a little shaky and freaking out a bit.  But, for now it seems that I’m pregnant!

Too many weeks

Last night, I lay in bed assessing my attempt at distracting myself during my two week wait.  I did extremely well during the first week, but I’ve been failing miserably during week two.

As I lay there, I wondered how many two week waits I’ve endured.  When I add together all my pregnancy attempts, it turns out that I’m currently in my 23rd TWW.

That’s 46 weeks!!!

In the past four years, I’ve spent 46 weeks wishing, hoping, wondering, googling and stressing.  Holy shit.  That’s a lot of weeks.  Too many weeks.  That’s almost an entire year!

I know that there are people out there who have spent even longer (some much, much longer) in TWW limbo land.  What an unpleasant place to be.

I’m hoping this realization will knock some sense in to me.  Do I really want to waste any more of my life locked inside my head, over-analyzing and stressing myself out?  Or do I want to let things happen as they will and enjoy every moment, no matter what time of the month it is?

I think the answer to that one is pretty clear.

I’m officially restarting my attempt to ignore my TWW.  Bring on the weekend!

Could it be IB?

It appears that yesterday’s post was extremely timely.  This morning, after using the washroom, I had a spot of red mucus on the toilet paper.  It was actually more of a glob (sorry, that sounds gross) and was probably a bit smaller than pea-sized. 

My first reaction was minor panic.  Anything red tends to stress me out.  But then, of course, my mind went right to the very topic I was thinking about yesterday.  Could this be implantation bleeding?  According to Fertility Friend, I’m 8dpo.  And, according to FF’s Pregnancy Monitor (which, I’ve decided I hate, by the way) only “6.7% of pregnancy charts show spotting at 8dpo.  18.2% less than for non pregnant charts.”  Great.  Those are pretty crappy odds.

Up until now, I had been doing really will with my vow not to obsess about how I’m feeling or google random symptoms this month.  But this current development has driven me right back to the internet.  Damn, I have no willpower.

Implantation Bleeding: fact or fiction?

I’ve always been a spotter.  At least, I’ve spotted ever since I went off birth control in 2009.   I can’t remember if I spotted much prior to going on birth control many, many years ago.   I guess it wasn’t really something I would have cared about back then.

When we first started trying to conceive Littleman in 2009, I experienced some light brown spotting before my period was due.  I remember googling something like “spotting before period while trying to conceive.”  The results were my first introduction to the phenomenon known as implantation bleeding.  I remember thinking to myself, “this is it!  We did it!  I’m pregnant for sure!”

Of course, a couple of days later, my period showed up.  This went on for months and months.  And, although I knew the spotting was likely just that – spotting – I never really gave up on the hope that it would turn out to mean implantation had occurred.

When we hit our fourteenth month of TTC, I spent my two week wait in the usual way.  Waiting, hoping, googling.  All of a sudden, I realized that I hadn’t spotted.    When I finally gave in and took a test around 14dpo, I think I already kind of knew.  I didn’t have one speck of spotting and I got my BFP!  So, at that point, I decided that this whole implantation bleeding thing was a myth.

Fast forward to 2012 and TTC baby #2.  As usual, the spotting occurred regularly before my periods.  During some cycles it even happened for as many as 6-8 days before my period arrived.   The spotting was always such a disappointment.  It dashed my hopes each month because I knew right away that it meant I wasn’t pregnant.  On the positive side, it saved me some money on HPTs.  No point in testing early when I was spotting.

In December 2012, I wasn’t taking my temperature or using OPKs.  But I did monitor my CM and mark down my period.  I had some light spotting in the second half of my cycle.  I remember it being light pinky mucus and it happened a couple of times when I wiped over a span of two days.  Since I was pretty certain we had missed most of my fertile window due to holidays, sickness and D’s work schedule, I figured this was my usual pre-period spotting.

Turns out, I was wrong.  The spotting disappeared all together so I gave into my temptation to test.  BFP!  Looking back, based on our intercourse timing, I can guess that the spotting happened around 8-9dpo.  Implantation bleeding?  Perhaps.  Something else?  Maybe.

Now that I’m well into the TWW, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable internal debate: implantation bleeding vs. pre-period spotting. UGH.