Jealous of what I already have?

More and more often these days, I find myself thinking about having another baby. Wouldn’t it be amazing?, I think. Then I remember how little our house is. And how often I’m alone with my kids while my husband works nights or weekends. And, the real kicker, how expensive childcare is.

I know you’re probably thinking, you’ve said this all before. What’s changed?

On the one hand, nothing has changed. If we could afford a bigger house in our neighbourhood and childcare expenses, then, yes, we may be more seriously considering a third child.

On the other hand, I’m so super lucky to have what I always wanted: two amazing kids.

I just found out that one my friends (who is also my next door neighbour) is pregnant with her second baby. Her first is just a few weeks older than Bo. When she first told me (last night, by text) I felt the familiar kick-in-the-gut stab of jealousy. What?  Why do I feel this way?  She’s getting exactly what I already have and, yet, I’m feeling jealous of her?

I saw a girl at work yesterday who is due to give birth to her first baby later this month. She is huge and feels uncomfortable. And I was jealous.

My husband showed me a picture of his buddy’s brand new daughter last night. She was still a little bloody, and naked, and perfect. And I was jealous.

After a semi-decent night’s sleep and a chance to reflect on all of yesterday’s baby-related revelations (we won’t even discuss Kim and Kanye), I’m starting to wonder if what I’m really jealous of is the fact that these people are just starting their family building journeys. They still have all the craziness and unknowns and excitement of pregnancy/childbirth/life with a newborn ahead of them.  Is that it?  Perhaps.

I have to remind myself that I hated trying to get pregnant and I didn’t really enjoy pregnancy. But seeing two pink lines on that test (ok, who am kidding, those 20 tests!) is so freaking amazing.

And actual labour and childbirth was not my favourite (nor was recovery) but those sweet new babies are the best.

Plus, there is that wonderful year of maternity leave.  There was nothing better than having a year at home to focus on my family and spending time with my sweet baby.  But that also means returning to work, which has been significantly harder the second time around and I imagine would bet even tougher if I had to do it again.

I know that it’s time for me to start focusing on the next stage of life – helping my babies grow into successful people.  It appears that it just may take me a while to come to terms with the fact that our family is complete.  In the meantime, I will do my best to smile and wish my friends well as they continue to grow their own families.

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2 thoughts on “Jealous of what I already have?

  1. Yeah. I get this. 1000%. I feel this way ALL THE TIME. My good friend recently had a baby (her first) and I was kind of shocked by all it brought up for me. It required way more personal work than I was prepared for.

    I think for me it jealousy of the excitement and anticipation that come from the big changes in our lives. Those life altering moments are so intense, and are always remembered. When you’re in them it’s like you’re a part of your own history, if that makes any sense. Also, I think there is the hope that those kind of massive transitions will make life better. Becoming a mother. Completeing your family. Buying a house. These are the big moves that are supposed to shape your life in positive ways and you’re supposed to be happier on the otherside. For years there was always one more thing that might change the game and make it better. Once those big transitions are gone we have to come to terms with the fact that this is it, this is our life, and there is no real changing it. We have to find the happiness in what we have, and that can be hard to accept when we’ve always looked to something new in our lives to make us happy. At least this is what I think is happening for me.

    • I’m glad to hear I’m not alone (although not glad that we’re both feeling this way!) I think you’re right about the big changes and life-shaping moments. With the career-marriage-home-family building aspects of our lives mostly settled, it’s a big adjustment to get used to the next stage.

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