More and more often these days, I find myself thinking about having another baby. Wouldn’t it be amazing?, I think. Then I remember how little our house is. And how often I’m alone with my kids while my husband works nights or weekends. And, the real kicker, how expensive childcare is.
I know you’re probably thinking, you’ve said this all before. What’s changed?
On the one hand, nothing has changed. If we could afford a bigger house in our neighbourhood and childcare expenses, then, yes, we may be more seriously considering a third child.
On the other hand, I’m so super lucky to have what I always wanted: two amazing kids.
I just found out that one my friends (who is also my next door neighbour) is pregnant with her second baby. Her first is just a few weeks older than Bo. When she first told me (last night, by text) I felt the familiar kick-in-the-gut stab of jealousy. What? Why do I feel this way? She’s getting exactly what I already have and, yet, I’m feeling jealous of her?
I saw a girl at work yesterday who is due to give birth to her first baby later this month. She is huge and feels uncomfortable. And I was jealous.
My husband showed me a picture of his buddy’s brand new daughter last night. She was still a little bloody, and naked, and perfect. And I was jealous.
After a semi-decent night’s sleep and a chance to reflect on all of yesterday’s baby-related revelations (we won’t even discuss Kim and Kanye), I’m starting to wonder if what I’m really jealous of is the fact that these people are just starting their family building journeys. They still have all the craziness and unknowns and excitement of pregnancy/childbirth/life with a newborn ahead of them. Is that it? Perhaps.
I have to remind myself that I hated trying to get pregnant and I didn’t really enjoy pregnancy. But seeing two pink lines on that test (ok, who am kidding, those 20 tests!) is so freaking amazing.
And actual labour and childbirth was not my favourite (nor was recovery) but those sweet new babies are the best.
Plus, there is that wonderful year of maternity leave. There was nothing better than having a year at home to focus on my family and spending time with my sweet baby. But that also means returning to work, which has been significantly harder the second time around and I imagine would bet even tougher if I had to do it again.
I know that it’s time for me to start focusing on the next stage of life – helping my babies grow into successful people. It appears that it just may take me a while to come to terms with the fact that our family is complete. In the meantime, I will do my best to smile and wish my friends well as they continue to grow their own families.