5 weeks and introducing Bo

I’m 5 weeks pregnant today.  As I looked at the calendar this morning, I realized that each new pregnancy week will start on a Wednesday – the same day as my last pregnancy.  That means I would have been 28 weeks today if I hadn’t miscarried in March.  I still miss that baby every day.  Being pregnant again certainly helps me feel a bit less sad than before, but a day hasn’t gone by where I haven’t thought about what happened.

On a more positive note, my treatments seem to be working and my lady parts are feeling much, much better!  A couple more days of medication and then, hopefully, I will be completely infection-free!

At 5 weeks, I’m still not experiencing much in the way of symptoms.  My boobs are a bit tender and veiny, but not full-on sore or huge.  I’ve had some minor nausea the last couple of evenings, but nothing to write home about.  I’m pretty tired, but that could be the result of parenting an active two-year-old, rather than pregnancy-induced fatigue.

The other night D asked me what we were going to call this baby.  He wasn’t asking what the baby’s name would eventually be, but what we would be calling the baby during its gestation.  For my past two pregnancies, we’ve nicknamed our little embryos right from the beginning. 

Littleman was called “Tadpole”.  I think that was due to one of the first descriptions we read about what our “baby” looked like at the time.  Looking back, it was kind of a gross name, but, nevertheless, we called him that right up until the moment he was born.

We named our second baby “Poppy” (as in poppy seed) because that was size of the baby at the time we found out we were expecting.  That name only lasted a short while because Littleman mis-heard us one day and said “Puppet?”  From that moment on, up until our loss, that baby was “Puppet.”

So, what’s this baby’s name?  This little one – our rainbow – is called “Bo.” 

Does everyone else nickname their offspring while they’re still in the womb?  I guess, for us, it just always felt right to be able to call our babies something other than “it”, even before we knew the sex or had any names picked out.

17 dpo: the latest developments

So, the saga of my infections continues.  Dr. S called today to say that she got the results of my urine test and it shows signs of a UTI.  I’ve had many UTIs in the past and I certainly don’t have any of the usual symptoms.  But, symptoms or not, she wants to treat it, especially because I’m pregnant.

So, I’ll be heading off to the drugstore to pick up my antibiotic prescription shortly.  Luckily, the antibiotic that has always worked well for my UTIs in the past is one that is perfectly safe in the first trimester.  I kind of hate that I have to take all these drugs right now, but I know that leaving these infections untreated can be dangerous, so I know I need to do it.

Dr. S also asked how the yeast infection was feeling.  I guess it’s a bit better than it was (not a constant burn like a couple of days ago) but it’s definitely not gone and it’s still pretty itchy (yep, I know…gross.)  She said I should use one of the kits that you insert internally over a few days.  I guess I’ll pick some up, since I’ll be at the drugstore anyway.  Man, I’m a freakin’ mess down there.

In happier news, she got the results from my two beta HCG tests this week.  Wednesday (14 dpo) was 126.  Friday (16 dpo) was 299.  Dr. S says this is good and she’s happy with the numbers.  I had to do some reading after I got off the phone with her because I don’t have any experience with betas in the past.  From everything I’ve read, these numbers sound perfectly normal and the doubling time was 36 hours, which appears to be good.

The other good news is that the spotting has stopped.  For the past two days, I’ve had absolutely no spotting.  I can’t even put into words how relieved I am right now.  Off course, I’m still fanatically checking the toilet paper with every wipe and I’m sure I’ll continue to worry about this for a while.

Right after the call from Dr. S, we had to head down the street to our neighbours’ house for a birthday party.  Littleman’s little buddy turned 2 today.  The buddy’s mom, a friend of mine, is pregnant with twins and due right around the same time as our original due date.  Since the miscarriage, it’s always been a bit tough to see her growing belly.  It’s still tough, but knowing that I’m pregnant again made it a bit easier this time.

The birthday party was firetruck-themed and the kids had a great time.  Check out these adorable cookies they gave out:

Littleman and D are having a nap, so I think I’m going to kick up my feet, bust out a cookie and hit the couch with my ereader.  Hopefully, in a couple more days, my crazy body will fight off these infections and get down to the more important business of growing this baby!

 

Status update: uncomfortable and nervous

Thanks so much to everyone for your kind words and for acknowledging my faint lines!

Things have been a little scary and stressful around here, pretty much since shortly after I posted about my BFP.  It’s been an eventful 48 hours, so this may be a long one.  Here’s what’s been going down…

I got a call back from Dr. P’s office.  He wants me to get a dating ultrasound around 6 weeks.  Other than that, he’ll see me in August.  I was kind of annoyed at first because that is SO far away!  I’ll be 12 weeks when I see him.  But, assuming all is fine during the dating ultrasound, I guess there’s no reason to see him sooner.

About half an hour after I spoke to Dr. P’s receptionist, I went to the ladies room and my heart sank.  Red spotting when I wiped.  Not a ton, but more than I’d had the week before.  It was the day before my period was due and it made me feel sick.  I texted D and told him that I was pretty sure it was over.

I put on a liner, just in case, and kept checking throughout the afternoon.  The colour of the spotting got darker (more of a burgundy/brown) but it was still there.

It’s likely that most of you aren’t terribly squeamish at this point, after all that you’ve been through yourselves, but if you are uncomfortable hearing about secretions or disorders that affect lady parts, you may want to click away now…

So, on top of the spotting, I was also feeling pretty uncomfortable “down there”.  Rewinding to the weekend, I’d had some light spotting and major stinging following intercourse (prior to getting my first BFP).  Since then, I’d had some dull burning when I wiped that seemed to progress throughout the day and into the evening on Tuesday.  I was also noticing some major – wait for it – bum itch.  Yep, gross and uncomfortable is all I can really say about it.  By Wednesday morning, wiping made me want to scream.  Sitting felt awful.  As did walking.  I knew something wasn’t right.

I was pretty sure it wasn’t a UTI.  I’ve had many of those and, while it hurt to pee this time, it was more of an external sting when the pee hit the outside, rather than that internal burn of a UTI.  I’ve also had the odd yeast infection in the past but this seemed a bit different too, with no obvious discharge that I could notice.  And more pain than I remember.

Anyway, I bit the bullet and called Dr. P’s office back yesterday morning.  Unfortunately, he was all booked up and on call so couldn’t see me this week.  They told me to call my family doctor.  Luckily my family doctor, Dr. S, was able to see me yesterday afternoon.  Thank God.

I hadn’t seen Dr. S since before my miscarriage.  The first thing she said to me when I walked into her office was, “so, a lot has happened since I last saw you!”   She had received the reports from Dr. P’s office but she still had me walk her through everything that happened.  She was very kind about it (in that matter-of-fact, miscarriages-happen-to-one-in-five sort of way) and I managed to keep from crying.  She was congratulatory about the current pregnancy and pulled out her little wheel to tell me my due date and how far along I am (like I really need someone to tell me!)

Then she had me hop up on the table for the exam.  Let me just say, there’s nothing like having someone ask you to roll onto your side so they can look in your bum.

She told me it’s a yeast infection and gave me a couple of things to take.  A one-time pill along with a topical cream.  The cream has already changed my life!  Seriously, I can actually sit now.  I’m still in pain and wiping is still a nightmare, but I’m hoping that will change.

She said that it’s possible that the spotting is due to the yeast infection but that we’ll keep an eye on it if it keeps happening.  By the end of day yesterday it had pretty much tapered off and so far I’ve just had some light pink-tinted mucus today.  Nothing major and no need for a liner.

After the exam, she took a urine sample and some blood.  She’s sending me for repeat bloodwork on Friday.

In the meantime, I’ve been using my plethora of internet HPTs every morning to see if the line is getting any darker.  I’ve decided those tests suck (mainly because I really want to see a super dark line!) but I know it’s still early (I’m only 15 dpo today).  The line is definitely a bit darker and shows up way faster than before, but it’s still a bit too light for my liking.

So, there we are.  I’m trying to stay positive and hoping that the spotting is just related to yeast infection and has nothing to do with the contents of my uterus.   I’m cautiously optimistic, as they say, but only time will tell.

 

 

An interesting turn of events

After writing about my questionable spotting at 8 dpo, I had one more day of on-and-off spotting and then it was gone.

In the interest of full disclosure here, I broke down and tested on Friday after work.  This was two days after the spotting began so I thought maybe, just maybe, there was a chance.  With my last pregnancy, I tested positive two days after my spotting.  Not this time.   It was, as expected (and feared), a BFN.  I was only 9 dpo, so I know it was silly to even try testing.  Except for in the very early months of trying to conceive baby #1, I never test that early.  In fact, most months I don’t bother to test at all.  But somehow I have this huge pile of internet tests in my drawer.  I totally don’t remember ordering that many and am convinced they mixed up my order and sent me extra HPTs instead of OPKs.

Anyway, the weekend was busy and kept me reasonably distracted.  We drove to the farm on Friday night (complete with Littleman getting carsick in the back of my parent’s car…so gross!) and then my aunts and uncles visited us there for a night.  D took the weekend off from doing chores at the farm so we got to spend some nice time together.  We visited a friend’s farm so Littleman could see the cows and sheep.  We stopped at a chip truck for a hot dog.  All in all, it was a fun weekend.  

Chowing down!

On Sunday afternoon, I started to get suspicious that my usual pre-period spotting hadn’t started yet.  I was 11 dpo.  I tried to resist the urge to test again, but with that stupid pile of tests just sitting there and it being Father’s Day, I ended up going for it.  I mean, wouldn’t a BFP be a great Father’s Day gift?  Immediately after I dipped the test stick, I started kicking myself for putting myself through the torture of another negative test.  But then, right around the five-minute mark, I saw this:

11 dpo

Do you see it?  I barely did and thought that perhaps I was making things up.  So, rather than showing D (who I knew wouldn’t believe it because it was so faint) I did what any crazy, stressed-out, trying-to-conceive woman would do.  I posted it on canyouseealine.com for a bunch of crazy, stressed-out, trying-to-conceive strangers to judge.

I decided to keep this possible positive to myself until I had more firm confirmation.  I woke up yesterday morning (12 dpo) and tried again with the internet tests.  Twice (yep, I’m crazy like that).  Still pretty faint and didn’t show up until five minutes or so, but I was pretty sure I could see something:

12 dpo

I decided it was time to bring out the serious equipment, so I hit up the drug store for some (nauseatingly expensive) FRERs and a Clear Blue Digital.   I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait until morning, so I faked it by not drinking or peeing all afternoon.  I snuck into the bathroom as soon as I got home, while D was busy washing some windows.  I took one of the FRERs and got this:

12 dpo

Woohoo, this is real!  Holy shit, this is real.  I told D that I had forgotten to give him one of his Father’s Day presents and handed him the test.  He broke into huge grin and said, “First try?  Really?”  I’m pretty sure he was as shocked as I was.

So here we are.  Am I excited?  Not sure yet.  I want to be.  Am I nervous?  Definitely.  D and I talked a bit about it last night and I think we both feel the same way.  We’re obviously happy and hopeful but we know now that things can go wrong.  I guess you could say we’ve lost our innocence. 

I’ve left a message for Dr. P’s office and we’ll see what he has to say about next steps.  I’m definitely a little shaky and freaking out a bit.  But, for now it seems that I’m pregnant!

Father’s Day

The other night, I sat on the couch watching D and Littleman playing together.  It was pouring rain outside, so the boys were goofing around on the living room floor.  D was pretending to eat Littleman’s tummy and Littleman was laughing that deep, hearty, uncontrollable laugh that only a toddler can do.  His laugh was amazing.  And as I watched them play, I was filled with so much love.

D is an incredible father.  He’s been so hands-on with Littleman, right from the very first moment.  I remember those first couple of nights in the hospital after Littleman was born.  D would take him into the hallway and walk laps to keep him calm.  And, although Littleman never took a bottle so D couldn’t help with feedings, D has always been thoroughly involved in all other aspects of his care.

Now that Littleman is bigger, my two favourite guys are becoming more and more alike.  D is super-handy (in fact, he renovated our entire house a few years ago) and now Littleman loves to pretend he’s fixing things.  He walks around mumbling about his hammer or wrench.  He points out pictures of screwdrivers in the weekly hardware store flyers.  He pushes his stroller around the backyard, pretending he’s cutting the grass.

Since D is a firefighter, there are lots of times when we don’t get to see him.  On those mornings when D is at work, the first thing Littleman asks me upon waking is “what daddy doing?”

Littleman loves his daddy.  And watching D become such an incredible father has made me love him even more.

******

Not only do I have a husband who is a wonderful father, but I’m lucky enough to have a great father of my own.  My dad worked long hours when I was a kid, so I didn’t see as much of him as I would have liked.  But, although he worked a lot, he never missed an important event, school concert or party.  He put his work away for our family vacations and loved his time with us on the beach in Maine or on the ski slopes in the winter.

Now that we’re all older – and especially now that we have our family farm – I get to spend a lot more time with my dad.  It’s been amazing getting to know him better as an adult.  We’re very similar in a lot of ways.  I’m sure both D and my mom would love to point out some of our not so flattering similarities: stubbornness and impatience to name a couple!  But we also both enjoy our wine and we love the beach (the sun in particular).  Getting a chance to spend more time together at the farm has been really special.

My dad has also become a huge part of Littleman’s life.  Dad was born in Italy, so Littleman calls him “Nonno.”  I love watching Littleman and his Nonno going for a walk in the fields or checking on the horses.  Nonno will take Littleman to the hardware store to pick up supplies – something he used to do with me when I was a kid.

Littleman is the first grandchild for my parents and I love the fact that he has such a special relationship with them.

******

I remember last Father’s Day very clearly.  It was near the end of our first month of TTC baby #2.  Although I didn’t have high expectations, I really hoped that I would be able to give D a positive test for Father’s Day.  I took a test that morning, but got a BFN and AF arrived later that day.

I’m a bit sad that I’m back where I started a year ago.  But I am so happy to have two wonderful fathers in my life.

Too many weeks

Last night, I lay in bed assessing my attempt at distracting myself during my two week wait.  I did extremely well during the first week, but I’ve been failing miserably during week two.

As I lay there, I wondered how many two week waits I’ve endured.  When I add together all my pregnancy attempts, it turns out that I’m currently in my 23rd TWW.

That’s 46 weeks!!!

In the past four years, I’ve spent 46 weeks wishing, hoping, wondering, googling and stressing.  Holy shit.  That’s a lot of weeks.  Too many weeks.  That’s almost an entire year!

I know that there are people out there who have spent even longer (some much, much longer) in TWW limbo land.  What an unpleasant place to be.

I’m hoping this realization will knock some sense in to me.  Do I really want to waste any more of my life locked inside my head, over-analyzing and stressing myself out?  Or do I want to let things happen as they will and enjoy every moment, no matter what time of the month it is?

I think the answer to that one is pretty clear.

I’m officially restarting my attempt to ignore my TWW.  Bring on the weekend!

Could it be IB?

It appears that yesterday’s post was extremely timely.  This morning, after using the washroom, I had a spot of red mucus on the toilet paper.  It was actually more of a glob (sorry, that sounds gross) and was probably a bit smaller than pea-sized. 

My first reaction was minor panic.  Anything red tends to stress me out.  But then, of course, my mind went right to the very topic I was thinking about yesterday.  Could this be implantation bleeding?  According to Fertility Friend, I’m 8dpo.  And, according to FF’s Pregnancy Monitor (which, I’ve decided I hate, by the way) only “6.7% of pregnancy charts show spotting at 8dpo.  18.2% less than for non pregnant charts.”  Great.  Those are pretty crappy odds.

Up until now, I had been doing really will with my vow not to obsess about how I’m feeling or google random symptoms this month.  But this current development has driven me right back to the internet.  Damn, I have no willpower.

Implantation Bleeding: fact or fiction?

I’ve always been a spotter.  At least, I’ve spotted ever since I went off birth control in 2009.   I can’t remember if I spotted much prior to going on birth control many, many years ago.   I guess it wasn’t really something I would have cared about back then.

When we first started trying to conceive Littleman in 2009, I experienced some light brown spotting before my period was due.  I remember googling something like “spotting before period while trying to conceive.”  The results were my first introduction to the phenomenon known as implantation bleeding.  I remember thinking to myself, “this is it!  We did it!  I’m pregnant for sure!”

Of course, a couple of days later, my period showed up.  This went on for months and months.  And, although I knew the spotting was likely just that – spotting – I never really gave up on the hope that it would turn out to mean implantation had occurred.

When we hit our fourteenth month of TTC, I spent my two week wait in the usual way.  Waiting, hoping, googling.  All of a sudden, I realized that I hadn’t spotted.    When I finally gave in and took a test around 14dpo, I think I already kind of knew.  I didn’t have one speck of spotting and I got my BFP!  So, at that point, I decided that this whole implantation bleeding thing was a myth.

Fast forward to 2012 and TTC baby #2.  As usual, the spotting occurred regularly before my periods.  During some cycles it even happened for as many as 6-8 days before my period arrived.   The spotting was always such a disappointment.  It dashed my hopes each month because I knew right away that it meant I wasn’t pregnant.  On the positive side, it saved me some money on HPTs.  No point in testing early when I was spotting.

In December 2012, I wasn’t taking my temperature or using OPKs.  But I did monitor my CM and mark down my period.  I had some light spotting in the second half of my cycle.  I remember it being light pinky mucus and it happened a couple of times when I wiped over a span of two days.  Since I was pretty certain we had missed most of my fertile window due to holidays, sickness and D’s work schedule, I figured this was my usual pre-period spotting.

Turns out, I was wrong.  The spotting disappeared all together so I gave into my temptation to test.  BFP!  Looking back, based on our intercourse timing, I can guess that the spotting happened around 8-9dpo.  Implantation bleeding?  Perhaps.  Something else?  Maybe.

Now that I’m well into the TWW, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable internal debate: implantation bleeding vs. pre-period spotting. UGH.

4dpo: avoiding going crazy

So, Fertility Friend decided I’ve ovulated and tells me that I’m now 4dpo.  I don’t totally agree with her – I think I’m 3dpo – but, either way, it looks like I’m into the dreaded two week wait.

This time, I’ve told myself that I’m not going to spend as much time fretting over possible signs and symptoms.  I’ve promised myself that I won’t lurk on the TTC message boards or google every little strange feeling I have.  I know that doing that stuff is bad for my mental health.  I don’t have amazing self-control but I will try my best to keep busy and distract myself with other things…

Like reading blogs!  I love reading other people’s stories.  Some people are going through tough times and I feel like I can totally relate.  Even though I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy, it’s reassuring to know that there are other people out there who know what I’ve been dealing with.  I’m so thankful to those people who have reached out and offered words of encouragement and advice.

And then there are the good news stories!  I feel so happy to read about people who are pregnant now after struggling with trying to conceive or dealing with a loss.  Or the people who are so strong and living through whatever life has thrown at them.  It gives me hope.

Anyway, I’m not sure how successful I will be with my moratorium on googling, but I’ll do what I can.  Right now, it’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon , so I think I’ll leave all my internet-connected devices inside and sit on the back deck to read my book while Littleman naps.

 

O-Day?

It’s CD 16 and I’m pretty sure I ovulated today.  As I whined earlier this week, I’ve cracked out all my supplies and am tracking my cycles on my Fertility Friend app.

I’ve decided that I strongly dislike OPKs.  I hate staring at them and watching the test line get darker, but not being totally sure if it’s actually as dark  as the control line or if it’s just kind of dark.  With all the technology available in our world, can’t someone invent a more clear test?

Anyway, yesterday I had two definitely positive OPKs.  I had decided to start testing twice a day so that I wouldn’t miss my surge.  I noticed when trying to conceive in the past that, during a couple of my cycles, the test line never got quite as dark as the control line.  I figured by testing twice a day, I would maximize my chances of catching my surge.  Seems to have worked!  Yesterday morning, the test line was as dark as the control line.  In the afternoon, the test line was even darker than the control line.  Woohoo, we have a surge!

I also had quite a bit of ewcm from CD 13-15, so I knew it was time to get down to business.

I don’t have high expectations of succeeding this month – and I still can’t really believe we’re back to this craziness of scheduling our “relations” – but it feels good to see that my body seems to be doing what it’s supposed to be doing.  At least that’s one step in the right direction.