Bad sister?

I have an irrational (and, quite frankly, inappropriate) fear that my sister will tell me she’s pregnant sometime soon.  My sister is three years younger than me and got married last year.  She and her husband have been together for many years are both well into their 30s.  I know they want children, so it wouldn’t be odd or unexpected for them to become pregnant at any time.

I want my sister to have a baby.  She loves children and has always been great with Littleman, as well as her niece and nephew on her husband’s side.  I want her to experience the joy (and challenges!) of being a mother.

But, ever since my miscarriage, I’ve been terrified that she’s going to get pregnant.  As much as I want it for her, I want it for me too.  And I want it for me first.  I know that sounds so awful and selfish, but there it is.  That’s how I feel.

Last weekend, my sister and her husband came home for a visit.  They live about two hours away, so we don’t see them all that often.  It was weird to me that they were coming at all, because we were supposed to be seeing each other at a family wedding the following weekend.  So, of course, my imagination kicked in and I immediately assumed that they must be coming to tell us that they’re expecting a baby.

I felt a bit sick to my stomach when they arrived at my parents’ house.  I waited for them to say something, but of course, they didn’t.  Then I thought that maybe they were waiting for D to arrive.  He was working day shift and was meeting us all for dinner.

When I heard my brother-in-law say he was going to grab a beer and ask if anyone wanted anything, I held my breath.  This was it.  This was when I would know for sure.  My sister likes her beer, so I would be able to tell immediately if something was up.

She accepted a beer without a pause and (after double-checking to make sure she wasn’t fake drinking, like I used to do when I was pregnant) I finally relaxed.

Phew, crisis averted.

I love my sister and I know that I will be happy for her whenever she does become pregnant.  But with my emotions still raw and the future of my own womb unknown, I’m a little bit glad that it isn’t right now.


3 thoughts on “Bad sister?

  1. Not bad, just normal. It’s OK to be selfish about this, it doesn’t mean that you love your sister any less or wish her any less joy. It’s about self-protection.

  2. Totally normal. There’s nothing worse than pregnancy announcements from ANYONE when you’re ttc. Hell- even though I’m done ttc for good, I still find myself trying to anticipate who will get pregnant next, just so I’m not blindsided by the news. It hurts, even when it’s someone that you love.

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