There were some tears

After his morning nap, I took Bo back to daycare for day two. This was his first day without me staying with him. “Come back in two hours, unless we call you sooner,” one teacher said as she walked off with my baby.

I felt the lump in my throat. Determined not to break down in the daycare centre, I headed for the door. One of the administrators caught me on the way out. She gave me a sympathetic smile. I told her how hard it was for me to leave him. She said that, in her experience, it’s often the parents who have struggled with infertility or loss that have a harder time leaving their baby at daycare.

This, of course, is a major generalization. But it also feels a bit true for me. I seem to feel the need to hold on to Bo just a little bit tighter. Maybe because he’s our rainbow baby, conceived after a loss. Or perhaps it’s just that he’s our last child and I know I won’t have any more time at home with a baby in the future. Either way, it helped to know I wasn’t alone in my sadness.

With tears in my eyes, I walked back home. I did some little tasks to distract myself – laundry, cleaning out some cupboards, signing Littleman up for t-ball – while I waited for the two hours to be up. Then the phone rang. I jumped. It’s the daycare! Bo had enough for one day.

I practically ran down the street and burst through the daycare door. There he was, crying in a teacher’s arms. He reached for me and stopped crying immediately. Together again.

We’ll try again tomorrow, because I know we have to, but it’s going to be hard. I’m sure there will be more tears (possibly from both of us!) but hopefully each day will get a little easier.

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3 thoughts on “There were some tears

  1. Must be so hard leaving your precious cargo behind- I hadn’t considered the extra emotion involved for parents who have lost children or had difficulty conceiving. Thanks for sharing from your heart. I can still remember the first few times I dropped off E to occasional care (started with 1 hour, eased up to three hours then later increased to the maximum five hours). I felt so guilty walking away when he was red faced and crying. The childcare workers didn’t hesitate to cuddle him on their lap (he was only 16 months) and reassured me that he stopped crying after 10 minutes. There was another girl, however, who used to ball her eyes out for much longer (drop-off time was flexible). Pleased to say, they worked really hard to calm her down and speak softly to her and also, she is now 3.5 years like E and starting kinder with him and they do grow up and get used to Mum leaving. Just always make sure you give a proper hug/kiss and goodbye and give your child a tangible time you will be back (like. “After nap time” or “after you have eaten lunch”)

  2. Oh, big hugs! I remember this so well. I’m aching for you.

    I drove out to nurse Matthew every lunch while he was in daycare, and for the first 2 weeks, I cried during my visit every single time. It was hard… So hard.

    Crying a little here for you.

  3. It is so hard! But it’s good for him AND you. He gets to socialize with kids his age, and you get a little piece of your life back (which may not seem like a big deal now, but you will come to appreciate your free time- at least until you return to work). Hugs… I remember it so well!

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