It was a beautiful morning. I put the baby down for his nap and his big brother was busy playing outside with my husband. I set out for another run, feeling behind on my 5k training after a few days out-of-town.
I started down the street and I felt good. The sun was out and it was warm, but not too hot. After some pretty cold September days, it felt amazing. As I ran, I thought to myself, how is it already late September?
All of a sudden, it felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Late September.
My baby – the lost one – would have turned one this month. If he, or she, had lived, my baby would be a year old.
I felt a bit shaky as I gasped to catch my breath. I had forgotten. That dreaded date had come and gone… and I had forgotten.
I wondered, what does this mean? I still think about the miscarriage often. But I don’t think about it everyday. I see my friend’s twins who were born at the same time that I was due and I don’t feel horrible anymore. I look at my six-month-old baby and I know he was the one who was meant to be part of our family.
But it’s September.
Last year, September was a month I looked forward to with all my heart and then dreaded to my very core. Even when I found out I was expecting again, I knew September would be a tough month. Earlier this summer, I realized that I could have had an almost-one-year-old. So then how did this September manage to creep up on me?
As I ran on, I decided this means that I’m healing. I’m not a horrible mom for having forgotten that awful due date. Yes, I still have moments of sadness for the baby I never got to meet. But I have many more moments of gladness for the family I do have. I’m not as sad or as scared as I was this time last year. I’ve learned that bad things can happen and that good things can come out of it. I am able to think about the baby we lost and the baby we got to meet, knowing that I love them both.
I didn’t see any of this coming when I laced up my running shoes and stepped out my front door this morning, but I see it much more clearly now. I am healing.