The guilt of remembering

Today (October 15) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Although I expect that none of us who have experienced loss(es) need a specific day to help us remember our baby, I think it’s important to have a day to reflect on what we’ve been through.

I find myself in a bit of an emotional struggle these days.  I think about Puppet – the baby we lost in March – all the time.  As my September due date crept closer, I became more and more aware of what wasn’t there anymore.  Now, I wonder what my life would be like if I was at home with my newborn baby. 

But when I find myself missing Puppet, I start to feel guilty too.  If I hadn’t lost Puppet, I wouldn’t have Bo.  Bo is growing inside me and his movements are getting stronger every day.  I love him fiercely. 

I guess that’s why, for me, a day like today means so much.  I see it as a day that I can think about Puppet and what I lost, without feeling like I’m being hurtful to the baby that I’m waiting to meet.  This day can be about Puppet alone.

Well, maybe not quite alone.  Sadly, I’m just one of many parents out there who are missing their babies today.  My heart goes out to everyone – those I know in real life and the friends I’ve made online – who is remembering today.

Today I resolve to put aside my guilt and to remember the baby who wasn’t to be.  I know that Bo wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the loss of Puppet, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love both my babies.

I miss you, Puppet.

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