Today is Friday the 13th. It’s also the day that Puppet – the baby we lost in March – was originally due to arrive.
I had the pleasure of starting my day with a dentist appointment. I hate going to the dentist, but it seemed somewhat fitting today.
Now I’m at work. It’s weird to be sitting here when, if life had gone a different way, I might be at home with a newborn baby. Or waiting uncomfortably for my baby to arrive. Or be in the throes of labour.
But life did not go a different way, so here I am.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about all of the ups and downs of the past nine months. In early January we found out I was pregnant with Puppet. We had been trying since May and, while I know that isn’t a terribly long time, it was starting to get stressful. We were thrilled that we had finally conceived and were so excited that Littleman would be a big brother.
Things progressed normally for a while, although I don’t think I ever really felt like it was a normal pregnancy. Mainly, I felt fine. I hated that I didn’t feel sick or totally exhausted or have super sore boobs. But when everything looked perfect at our NT scan, I started to relax a bit.
Of course, that was when shit hit the fan. Two weeks later the spotting arrived and an ultrasound at 14w1d confirmed that our little one had died.
What followed was the worst sadness I’ve ever experienced. While the D&C was pretty easy from a physical perspective, the emotional pain was excruciating. I felt truly beaten.
I struggled to talk about what had happened. Luckily, I found an amazing and supportive group of people online. Writing in this space was the only place where I really felt like I could express myself and I was amazed to discover the number of people who had been through similar experiences. And not only that, they were willing to reach out to me and offer their support.
A month after the miscarriage, D and I took our first solo vacation since Littleman’s birth. It was hard leaving him but it was the right thing to do for us. We needed some time alone together to regroup and get our heads around moving forward. We had been through a terrible loss but we still had a wonderful little boy at home who needed his parents to be there for him wholly. The vacation helped us in so many ways.
After waiting the prescribed two cycles to start trying to conceive again, we decided we were ready to get back on the horse in May. Of course, this brought forth a whole new set of emotions. I was terrified. I was scared of not getting pregnant. I was scared of getting pregnant and losing another pregnancy. Fear continued to dominate me for the next few months.
In mid-June, I found out that our first cycle had been successful. I was pregnant again. Happy, sad, scared… so much to process. Almost immediately after my positive HPT, I ended up with a raging yeast infection and UTI. It felt like things were getting off to a rocky start. After curing those infections, I spent a horribly scary day in the ER with gushing blood, only to be diagnosed with a subchorionic bleed at 8 weeks. Thankfully, the baby looked just fine.
So that brings us to today. I’m 16 weeks 2 days pregnant. My NT scan at 12 weeks looked good. I heard my baby’s heartbeat at 15 weeks. I love this baby and I want him/her to stay strong and keep growing so he/she can meet us in February.
But I miss Puppet with all my heart. Sometimes, I can’t really believe everything that has happened this year. All I can say is that I am still working on coming to terms with what happened. I still think about it every day but it’s starting to hurt a little less. I’m trying to trust my body again and am starting to feel more positive about this pregnancy.
To my sweet Puppet: I miss you and I’m sad that we won’t get the chance to know you. Please know that your mom and dad will always remember you. You are loved and you won’t be forgotten.
To my Baby Bo: Your mommy and daddy love you so much and we are so happy to see you growing. We may not have been expecting you, but we know that you were meant to be a part of our family. Keep doing what you’re doing in there!
As if sensing the difficulties of this day, Bo just gave me the sweetest gift ever – movement! As I finished my lunch and sat quietly at my desk, I finally felt what was obviously, clearly my little Bo. Thank you, baby.