I had lunch with one my former colleagues (who is also a good friend) yesterday. She’s about to turn 30 and started trying to conceive around the same time that I did back in 2009. She was one of the few people I talked to at the time about our TTC journey. It was nice to have someone to talk to who understood what it was like to try and fail each month. A little over a year after we both began trying to conceive, I got pregnant with Littleman. I know it was hard for her when I told her I was pregnant, but I think it also gave her some hope.
Now, four years after starting her journey, she is about to start IVF.
It was interesting listening to her talk about what she’s been through. She shared with me the guilt she feels in knowing that the fertility issues are with her body, not her husband’s. She told me how nervous she is to start the IVF process. She’s scared of the drugs she’ll have to take and what it will do to her body. And, of course, I’m sure she’s nervous that it won’t be successful. I hope so very much that this works for her.
We haven’t told people about my current pregnancy yet but I decided I would talk to her about it. I know that I can trust her to keep it to herself. She knows what I’ve been through and, although she’s never been pregnant and hasn’t suffered a loss, I think she understands the fact that the worry doesn’t end when you get pregnant. For some of us, the worry and stress is only just beginning. Despite the differences in our personal situations, it was good to have someone to talk to. It helped me feel less crazy.
Right now, my worry and stress is about to get more intense. When I got home from work, there was a message on my answering machine reminding me that I have my first ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning. So, I’ll be on pins and needles all weekend. Ultrasounds used to be exciting for me, but now they are just downright terrifying. D will be working all weekend, so Littleman and I will be on our own. I’m hoping we can stay busy so I won’t have time to stress about the upcoming appointment. Fat chance.