If I had a dollar for every time I’ve uttered the words, “I’m OK” in the past few weeks, I’d be really, really rich. I know that when people ask, “how are you doing?” they don’t want to hear, “I’m crappy” or “not so great.” So, “I’m OK” always seems to be what comes out of my mouth.
Most of the time I knew I was just saying the words because that’s what people expected to hear.
Suddenly, though, it’s starting to feel almost true. Sometimes I feel like I am OK.
Since my miscarriage, I’ve heard many people say that it gets easier with time. In the beginning, I certainly didn’t believe that. I couldn’t imagine that the pain would ever diminish. I couldn’t fathom having on a smile on my face that was actually real. I couldn’t see how time was going to make any difference at all.
As it turns out, time is a funny thing. For me, time seems to be making all the difference. And it’s not just the passage of time that’s helping, but the time of year.
The past week has been beautiful. I know it is still early May and that the weather is unlikely to stay this nice, but it’s been unseasonably warm and I’ve been loving it. The feeling of the sun on my face and the warm breeze on my bare arms is amazing! I’m starting to feel alive again.
I know there will still be times that I cry and I know that there will continue to be moments where I feel pretty crappy. For example, seeing the pregnant moms dropping of their kids at Littleman’s daycare. That still throws me for a loop. Or charting my menstrual cycle and watching my chart show that I’m passing my fertile period but not being able to try. That just really sucks.
But I’m really starting to feel like the worst has passed. I won’t ever forget what happened, but I really am going to be OK.