The dreaded question

For the first time since my miscarriage, I was asked the question, “when do you think you’ll have another baby?

I hate this question.  Before I got pregnant, I hated it because I was trying to conceive and it reminded me that I wasn’t pregnant yet.  Once I got pregnant, I hated it because I wasn’t ready to tell people that I actually was pregnant.  And now, after losing my baby, I realize how painful the question can be.

One of my colleagues was leaving for a new job, so we took her out for drinks to celebrate.  It was my first social outing since the miscarriage and there were lots of colleagues there who I hadn’t seen in several months.  I work for a pretty large company, so only my close colleagues knew about my pregnancy and miscarriage.

The woman who asked the question did not know what had happened to me.  She probably thought she was asking an innocent question.  A question that, I’m sure, a lot of people are thinking when talking to the mom of a two-year-old.

At first, it felt like a punch in the gut.  I’m sure my face gave away my feelings (I have trouble hiding my expressions!) as I struggled to respond.  My heart hurt as I thought about the fact that I should have been telling her that we were having a baby in September.

I knew I didn’t owe her any explanation or information, but a generic “we’ll see” just didn’t feel right to me.  Finally, I decided to tell her the truth.  I really like this woman and I felt like I could open up to her.  I told her my story.

And, you know what?  It felt good.  I know that people say that talking about your situation can really help you heal, but I don’t think I was ready to do that until now.

The next morning, I received an email from her: “I think it is so important to talk about traumatic things and get support.  I’m so proud of you for…putting yourself out there. It is truly courageous.”

Even though I still hate the question, I’m glad that I had the opportunity to push myself to start talking.

Talking is hard, but I think keeping it inside is even harder.

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4 thoughts on “The dreaded question

  1. I couldn’t agree more! Talking always helps- if you have a willing audience. When I was still ttc, I never hesitated to discuss our situation if someone seemed genuinely interested. But I always had to know the person well enough to gauge his/her response before I ever started talking, as I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Bottling up thoughts and feelings never seems to lead to anything good. Good for you for opening up!

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