It’s been two weeks since I sat shivering in my open-backed hospital gown, awaiting my D&C. Two weeks filled with a medley of emotions: shock, pain, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, love. It’s certainly been the most difficult two weeks of my life, but I’m discovering that I’ve also learned a lot more than I ever would have expected.
As I reflect upon my experience since the discovery of our missed miscarriage, I thought I would share some of my observations:
I still cry everyday
I don’t know what I expected but I didn’t know that I could cry so much. I’m not really a crier. I mean, I do cry sometimes but not like some people I know who seem to cry as a reaction to just about anything. I find that the crying hits me unexpectedly these days and that’s what I hate the most. I can be walking to the bus, thinking I’m totally fine, and then tears spring to my eyes.
I can smile, too
For the first week or so after we found out about the loss, I wasn’t sure how I would ever be happy again. But, slowly, I’ve realized that being happy is a choice I need to make. And, D and Littleman make me happy. I can’t turn off my sad feelings but I can move them aside at times so that I can smile and laugh with my husband and son.
I still hate hospitals, but I’m stronger than I realized
Medical things scare me. I used to faint every time I got a vaccination or had blood drawn. I used to get dizzy just walking into a hospital. Aside from giving birth to Littleman, the D&C was my only hospital experience. I was terrified but I managed through it and came out ok. I’m tougher than I thought.
Miscarriage has touched a lot of people
I can’t believe the number of people who have come out of the woodwork to tell me about their experiences with miscarriage. At work, even a couple of my male colleagues have talked to me about it. I’m amazed by the online community I’ve found and how supportive strangers can be. There are so many people suffering out there and knowing that there are others who are willing to listen, share their stories and provide advice makes this whole journey a little less lonely.