Going back to work after my miscarriage was something that absolutely terrified me. As soon as we found out that the baby had passed away, I couldn’t help but wonder how I was going to manage to go back to my regular life and function like a normal, rational, working human being.
I stayed at home for over a week after my D&C. My manager had taken care of telling my colleagues what had happened. They all knew I was expecting, so at least I didn’t have to handle the un-telling myself.
Last night was awful. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking of my open-concept office space. What if I needed to freak out or melt down? My lovely Ativan that Dr. P prescribed for me after the D&C – which has been helping me sleep for the past week – didn’t even do the job last night. I struggled to fall asleep and then awoke numerous times, filled with anxiety and a large, uncomfortable lump in my throat.
I managed to squeeze in a snuggle with Littleman before it was time to leave. I sometimes wonder how I would get through these days without him. He saves me.
The bus and subway ride were a bit of a blur. I tried to focus on my e-reader and ignore thoughts of where I was going. (By the way, why does every novel I choose to read these days have a baby or pregnant person in it?? )
I’m always one of the first people to arrive at my office, so I knew I’d likely be on my own when I got there. I thought that would be best anyway. Except, when I stepped into my office, the first thing I saw was a beautiful flower arrangement on my desk. Oh god. Here we go. Obviously, I started sobbing. Then I read the card. This is getting worse. How was I going to react when I actually see these people?
My colleagues where amazing, though. As each arrived, they came in and gave me a hug. Some said things. Some said nothing. All looked pretty devastated themselves and offered to take on any of my work or do whatever I needed.
By lunch time, I’d only cried four times (not including the morning cry in the shower) so I think that was a pretty good effort for day one. I left a bit earlier than usual because I was totally exhausted. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes…