Back to work today

Going back to work after my miscarriage was something that absolutely terrified me.  As soon as we found out that the baby had passed away, I couldn’t help but wonder how I was going to manage to go back to my regular life and function like a normal, rational, working human being.

I stayed at home for over a week after my D&C.  My manager had taken care of telling my colleagues what had happened.  They all knew I was expecting, so at least I didn’t have to handle the un-telling myself.

Last night was awful.  I felt sick to my stomach just thinking of my open-concept office space.  What if I needed to freak out or melt down?  My lovely Ativan that Dr. P prescribed for me after the D&C – which has been helping me sleep for the past week – didn’t even do the job last night.  I struggled to fall asleep and then awoke numerous times, filled with anxiety and a large, uncomfortable lump in my throat.

I managed to squeeze in a snuggle with Littleman before it was time to leave.  I sometimes wonder how I would get through these days without him.  He saves me.

The bus and subway ride were a bit of a blur.  I tried to focus on my e-reader and ignore thoughts of where I was going.  (By the way, why does every novel I choose to read these days have a baby or pregnant person in it?? )

I’m always one of the first people to arrive at my office, so I knew I’d likely be on my own when I got there.  I thought that would be best anyway.  Except, when I stepped into my office, the first thing I saw was a beautiful flower arrangement on my desk.  Oh god.  Here we go.  Obviously, I started sobbing.  Then I read the card.  This is getting worse.  How was I going to react when I actually see these people?

flowers

My colleagues where amazing, though.  As each arrived, they came in and gave me a hug.  Some said things.  Some said nothing.  All looked pretty devastated themselves and offered to take on any of my work or do whatever I needed.

By lunch time, I’d only cried four times (not including the morning cry in the shower) so I think that was a pretty good effort for day one.  I left a bit earlier than usual because I was totally exhausted.  We’ll see how the rest of the week goes…

 

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3 thoughts on “Back to work today

  1. Here from LFCA… nice to ‘meet’ you! I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Your coworkers sound amazing- mine woudn’t even look me in the eye after any of my losses. Hold on to that job- that kind of situation is really tough to find! Hugs to you…

    • Nice to meet you too! Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry to hear that you had a tough time with your coworkers. I definitely appreciate how lucky I am.

  2. Wow, this is heartbreaking. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’m thankful that you have kind and understanding colleagues. This is really hard and it’s going to be really hard for a long while, probably. A snuggle with the little one can be what keeps me sane too. Hugs.

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