Seeing friends

I haven’t been very good at returning emails yet.  Or answering the phone.  I know that people are concerned and want me to know that they are thinking about us, but it’s hard to actually face people.   Luckily, I’ve been able to stay home from work for a week so I’ve been hiding out and avoiding contact with anyone.  I guess that’s why it caught me off guard when I saw two of my friends the other day.

The first was a neighbor who I became friends with when we were both on maternity leave with our sons.  The boys are now in daycare together and just a couple of weeks ago, we learned that we were both expecting in September.  Our due dates were only one week apart!  We were very excited to know that we would be spending our mat leave together again.

When I was dropping Littleman off at daycare, I felt a tap on my shoulder and then I was grabbed into a big hug.  I had told this friend by email – knowing it would be difficult for her to hear the news.  She had tears in her eyes.  I tried to keep myself together, given that we were standing in the lobby of the daycare, but it was really hard to see her.  She’s looking pregnant now… a couple of weeks further along than I was and she is having twins.  I’m so happy for her and I don’t in any way wish anything bad for her, but I couldn’t help but feel why me??

I came home and pulled myself together, forcing myself to choke down a bagel and some coffee.  Then the phone rang.  I absent-mindedly answered it (why?  I have no idea.) and it is another friend.  I met her while I was on maternity leave with Littleman.  Our boys are one week apart and we spent that whole year together.  She had trouble conceiving her first but then had a surprise pregnancy with her second, who was born 21 months after our little guys.

This friend was sitting in my driveway, here to drop off a care package.  She said she would leave it outside the door, but of course, I wasn’t going to let her leave without inviting her in.  It was the first time I’ve relayed the entire story to anyone, other than writing it here.  It was hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  And it made me scared to face anyone else right now.  How am I ever going to go back to work?

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